Weight of Salvation

I realize that since I was young I felt like I have been the Messiah for my family. All their hopes and dreams were placed on my shoulders beginning at a young age, and I have been shackled with their weight ever since. To provide validity to my parents ability to raise a child that can not only contribute to society but thrive within it. To one day have the capacity to provide both financially and emotionally for everyone. To be a ray of hope in the midst of suffering. It’s strange to be one of the leaders of the family in your 20s when you are just trying to survive and find your way in the world.

I feel like the Lord has slowly been poking in the chinks if my armor to demonstrate to me and to the world that I’m no messiah, just a man. My shoulders can’t bear the weight of hopes and dreams, and yet I’ve convinced myself not only that I can but that I must. The process of the Lord slowly stripping away the notion that I must save anyone has been an extremely humbling one fraught with anxiety, depression, suffering, expectations, disappointment, guilt, and shame.

But the Lord is merciful and for a long time has beckoned me to hand over the weight of salvation, and yet I have refused. I’m not sure whether I have desired to be a martyr or a hero. I think a strange combination of both, and yet over the last few years the weight of salvation has become like the entire sky resting upon Atlas’s shoulders. It’s put a strain on my back and neck that I can no longer bear. I was never designed to be a savior, but I am thankful there is one who can bear that weight. He’s merciful, full of grace, and offers rest.

Rest is a peculiar thing that I think our soul yearns for and yet we fight against because it is so foreign to us. I certainly don’t have it figured it out, and I’d love to say that some massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders, but I’m not so sure. Maybe it has and yet I’m so stiff and racked with pain that I can’t feel the relief yet, but I do feel lighter. I think it’s probably more true that it will be a weight that gets shed over a longer period of time. The thing I can rest in is that I think the Lord is both willing and able to continue to take the weight from me even if it’s slower than I would like. Until then I can breathe a little easier knowing that I have the gift of salvation without the burden of providing it for myself or anyone else.